What We Have, We Don’t Want…What We Want, We Don’t Have….

Once upon a time, there was a boy – Hans. He was a poor boy who left his mother and worked for 7 years for his master. After 7 long years, he wished to see his mother. He said to his master – “Master, my time is up; I must go home and see my poor mother once more: so pray pay me my wages and let me go.” The master gave Hans a lump of Silver as big as his head. Thus, Hans set off on a long journey back to his mother. While travelling, he found the lump of Silver to be heavy and exchanged the Silver for a horse to complete his journey. The horse was too wild for him, so he exchanged it for a cow. The cow was old and stringy, and gave no milk. He exchanged the cow for pig. That pig was a stolen one, so he exchanged it for a goose. In the end, he exchanged goose for a grinding stone to start earning afresh – as a knife grinder. As the stone was very heavy and he unable to carry it, dumped it down a well. Hans returned empty handed to his mother.

This is a summarized version. you can read the full story here.

Hans kept exchanging his possession to get the things he didn’t have. He always was in awe of what other’s possessed. Its paradoxical as whatever he wanted to have, as soon it became his, he set his eyes on a new thing which he did not possess.

Don’t you think there is a little bit of Hans in all of us? We are chasing far too many desires and wants. As soon as they are fulfilled, we stop caring for what we have, and create a new list to possess. Think about it – after getting that coveted job, MP3 player, Mobile phone, laptop, Car, Clothing etc. (list can go on and on…), have you ever told yourself – this is it. I am satisfied with this and I don’t want an better/expensive version. There are two schools of thought working here –

First school of thought says that, well, this paradox of wanting-having- wanting is the prime cause for dissatisfaction in our lives. Its a materialistic race that we are getting ourselves into. All the marketing by sellers/media is creating hollow dreams of possession among common people.  Often, possession is linked to status in the society and friends circle. Those who caught in this web, will keep hoarding things and would not ever be satisfied resulting in inferiority complexes and mood swings.

On the contrary, other school of thought says that wanting is the prime objective of human kind. People seem to get a direction and keep setting fresh, harder goals for betterment of their lives. The phenomena of desire is what keeps them ticking. There is nothing in comparison of a goal/dream achieved. That is how people have done inventions and discoveries. Without, this ‘want’, many of us would not live a lifestyle we afford today.

I don’t wish to be preachy and take side of any school of thought. I would leave it on you, wise people who understand what is good/bad, right/wrong for them. I just wish to say that from experience, that most people (including myself), almost 99% of them, start with being the first kind and end and end up being second. That doesn’t mean being first one is wrong and the other is right. It is just that standing  at a given situation, we all use previous experience and some gut feeling to decide between appropriate and not so appropriate. We all wish to become ‘been-there-done-that’ personality and gain respect from those around us looking at us in awe with their mouth wide open…

What will you choose to become is entirely on you…After all, Hans could have taken home all his Silver and would have lived happily ever after….

If only, life was a fairy tale….

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The Expectations Conundrum: I am here, where are you?

It is expected in a relationship that both individuals understand the unsaid demands and expectations of one another – some sort of mystical bond which helps you gauge what the other person would be comfortable with or agree to.  If sometimes people can’t see through, they need to be told or explained in words or any other form of communication. It is an imperative to express your desires/expectation, get understood and vice versa. To Simplify, let’s take a peek into life of X (the guy) and Y (the gal)…

Expectations and desires change with time – Today, X wants this, tomorrow he expects that and so on…. But, most of the time, X wants Y to guess what he desires or expects from her – as if she gets a relay of X’s thoughts in her mind…If X does not see that happening, X talks to Y about what he wants, sulks and make huge issue out of it…..As a result, either Y fulfills these expectations or they keep arguing on the same and fall out…This is what we would call ‘important expectations’…

X has some desires and expectations which are ‘good-to-have’, but ones which X can do without… we would call them ‘good-to-have’ expectations…These are things which X desires, communicates and then either he forgets/accept the status quo or simply move on. This is where the whole confusion starts.

Y, who has been all the while listening to X’s ‘good-to-have’ expectations, is deeply dented/moved by her inability to gauge X’s expectation and do nothing about it… Thanks to all this, Y gets fixated at that point in time. It’s like a time warp, where Y is standing still and X has moved on.

Y then thinks of fulfilling those ‘good-to-have’ expectations for X, and it becomes a mission of sorts for her. She puts in a lot of effort, makes sacrifices, learns new things, embraces change and does everything possible… Small price to pay for a stronger, better relationship – She thinks.

And when Y is ready, she surprises X and gives him what he always expected…but, he doesn’t find the fulfilled expectation amusing or anything great about it. Y is heartbroken and confused – what did I do wrong? Isn’t this is what he always expected?

That’s the whole point – to understand the expectations. No one in a relationship can discuss A to Z of their lives. What’s necessity for you right now… may not be a thing of use to you tomorrow…It’s difficult keeping current with your own expectations, let alone that of the other person..This is because experience changes people’s perspective and it is different for all individuals…

I guess only way to come out of this situation is to keep asking your partner about what they would like to do….But, need to do this in a subtle manner…you would not want to spoil the surprise part of this whole exercise…

Keep current with their expectations….otherwise all your effort will go down the drain…

I still haven’t found what I am looking for…

What I think of Life? Good question.

To me, Life indeed is beautiful – if lived with a sense of purpose, a direction. People claim to be happy and say “we know what we are doing” and “we control our lives”, which actually amuses me. Because, the same set of people claim they are depressed and facing tension. So, how do we verify that we have found our purpose, our direction in life, and it is us, who are controlling life and not vice-versa? But why am I even talking about controlling life? Why don’t we just go with the flow and accept the norm, the obvious.

Ambition, desire, expectations and dreams – tell me, how our life will be without these words? Presence of any of these in our self is sufficient to provide us ability to ask question and put us in a situation of quandary. We wish to change the world, want to make a difference in our/other’s life, want to be famous, want to mint money, want to reach pinnacle in our careers and at the same time, we want to be happy and lead a ‘balanced’ life. I guess, we are so busy thinking about routine life and its problems that we never come out of the sleep and ask ourselves – why am I here? Is that what I wished to do in life? Am I happy doing this? Life is an aggressive striker, we just can’t figure out the score. and when we do, we are too exhausted or entrenched in coming to terms with our daily, routine, purposeless and direction – less life.

Equilibrium, I have been told is an ideal concept! To have the cake and eat it too – seems to be the biggest challenge…

Around me, everybody, including me, is in abeyance, trying to come in terms with what they want. They earn enough money, are at good position in their careers, have good set of friends and partners,  but crib about something that is missing. This missing bit is what puts us in abeyance, makes us believe we are lacking direction, purpose. Is it for real?

I am still searching for an answer…